Notebooks
by Hellopipu
Summary: One fight between Leo and Raph eventually goes too far, causing the latter to flee. What if the blue banded turtle finds some notebooks in his brother's room? And what if he doesn't like what is written in them?
1. Chapter One

**Author's note: So this is officialy my first fanfiction ever! I'm putting a lot of effort into this! Hope you enjoy!**

 **Please excuse any grammar, syntax or spelling mistakes!**

Chapter One: Three words

\- You think you're so great huh? You think you're better than us? But of course, how could I ever forget, it's Mr. "Perfect Leader" we're talkin about, right? Always right, alway…

\- Raph...

-No, let me tell ya somethin Fearless: You do not OWN me. Ya can't be telling me what to do, what not to do, what…

\- Raph.

-… WAS STUPID OF ME, and what was not…  
\- Raph!  
-… So drop that highty mighty attitude, because it doesn't suit ya at all! Sometimes your arrogance and selfishness are so unbelievably disgusting that I want to…  
\- RAPH!  
The red banded turtle looked surprised at his blue banded brother who was feeling the fresh pain of smacking his brother on his fists. Leonardo, then spoke:  
"How dare you, YOU, of all people speak of selfishness! Do you ever think of any of us when you recklessly run into battles, just because you want to "bust some heads"? Do you ever think of how we feel, whenever you come home all beaten up, and still refuse to let us take care of your wounds? Do you ever... Oh God, you know what?" the furious now Leonardo exclaimed. "I… WE 've had enough of you! Just LEAVE already! Stop being a burden to your family! Do you have any idea how much better it would be for all of us, not having to worry about you **ALL THE FREAKING TIME?** **JUST LEAVE! DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT ANY OF US? I HATE IT! I HATE YOU!"**  
Nothing, not the insults, not all he was being blamed for, not anything, had ever hurt Raphael more than the last three words out of his own brother's mouth. His eyes went wide when he heard them, but he immediately calmed down and wishpered, loudly enough however, for all of them to hear: "I'm glad you finaly express yourself freely, bro. Don't worry guys," he turned to everyone smiling, "you won't have to put up with my existance anymore. I'm so sorry…for everything." he said, as he fled.  
Everyone was frozen, devastated, so noone tried to stop him.

 **LEO'S POV**

After Raphael left, it took me a while to proccess all that had happened. The fight started with me lecturing him for being late and coming back injured, as usual. I told him it was stupid of him to stay out so late, just as usual. Had I known how it would end up I would never have... But most importantly, the last glance I was able to get from my brother had terrified me. Instead of the expected fire of anger, that he should justifiably feel, after everything I told him, what I saw in his electric green eyes was hurt and...remorse? But it was only after I turned for support to my brothers, that I realised how horrible my words had been. They stared at me, terrified, petrified, unable to believe what I, the never-failing leader, the always-there elder brother, had just done. "G…Guys?" I asked, but their looks didn't change. I felt my eyes watery, but luckily enough, Master Splinter's soothing voice was caught by my ears.

 **MASTER SPLINTER'S POV**

I was meditating in the dojo, when I heard yelling from inside. Why again? What will it take to get my hot-headed son to control his temper? I'm tired of all this anger issues tale, as I have tried everything I could think of with him, but he stubbornely refuses to make any, even slight improvement. It is almost as if he does not want to control his anger. But I guess it's the easiest excuse for everything, my son can always shift the blame to his temper and never take full responsibility of his own actions. As I heard my elder son shouting back, I sighed. Not only does Raphael disturb the peace in the lair, but he also pushes Leonardo, the one I chose as the leader of the clan, to his limits, dragging him at his own level. Raphael has the extremely dangerous ability of being able to drive anyone crazy. Even I, sometimes find it difficult to keep myself from losing control because of him. The sudden silence took me away from my thoughts. It was almost too silent, obviously something was wrong. As I entered the room they were in, I saw the fear on my younger sons' faces and the tears my elder son was at the verge of letting go.

 **MIKEY'S POV**

"What seems to be the problem my sons?" I heard Master Splinter's deep voice. Since none of my brothers would react, I first snapped out of my thoughts and I, yeah, me, little Mikey, took charge of the situation. "You see Master Splinter, Leo and Raph went craaaazy!" I said, obviously failing at fixing the dead-heavy atmosphere. If there is something that really can't stand it's these kind of serious-heavy atmospheres. "They started quibbling over unnecessary stuff as usual, but then Raph started insulting Leo and Leo…" I stopped, not knowing how to continue. A few moments of silence passed.  
"It is all my fault Sensei." Leo suddenely said. "I lost control and said things I never meant to. I hit him, I hit Raph, my little brother! I told him he was a burden to the family, that we're better off without him and that I…that I hate him!" Leo exclaimed. "Now he's gone, probably forever and I can't do anything about it other than saying that it is my fault!" I saw the fear on Leo's eyes and felt like I had just been stabbed. My big brother, the one who has supported me numerous times before, is panicked and I can't do anything to help him!

 **DONNIE'S POV**

I do not understand Sensei's way of thinking. This was not one of the "normal" fights between Leo and Raph. The latter was not outraged when he left, he was hurt and determined not to come back, so "waiting if he returns" is just a waste of time, let alone, every hour passing, Raph gets farther and farther away from us. And what if he runs into trouble again? At his psychological condition, he might not be able to defend himself. Who knows what could happen, what could have already happened, what could now be happening to my brother! No, I need to stop. I, at least, need to stay calm. But it has been hours, so many frustratingly long hours and my mind can't keep up with it. Apparently, neither can Leo's, who outraged, left the room and went to… wait, what does he want there?

 **LEO'S POV**

I can't stand this anymore. It is like, 4 a.m. and we are still here! Sitting at the room, doing nothing, while it is all my fault, is killing me! I decide to go to the only place I wish my brother were right now, asleep, and that is his bedroom. I enter it and suddenly realise, how long it has been since I last were there. I feel the rage growing inside me as I wonder: What is it that took away my brother? What have I done wrong?"  
 **"GOD DAMMIT!"**  
All the books fall off the bookcase, from the power of that fist. They will cause me quite a lot bruises, how am I going to explain these to Donnie? Great, just great! However, what catches my attention is a bunch of blue notebooks, which were at the back of the bookcase, as if they had been hidden. I open the last one and read:

 _" Tuday the gais wer plaing a new video geim. Maiki was rili good, Doni lafed and Leo was…"_

I close the notebook immidiately. Raph has been keeping a diary? Well that was unexpected. And seeing the bunch of notebooks, it hadn't just been a childhood phase. Is it right for me to intrude into his privacy, to trespass a line of his life in order to learn the truth about my brother? With the previous questions still in my mind and feeling my curiosity growing, I took the notebook back, determined to see a young Raphael grow to what he has become today.

 **Sooooo... that's it so far! Any thoughts? Reviews would be very encouraging! Thank's a lot!**


	2. Chapter Two

**Author's Note: Sooo Chapter two is here! This and the next one are mainly going to focus on young Raphael.**  
 **Anyway, I would like to thank anyone who has read my story, regardless if he liked it or not. Special thanks to all of you who reviewed, followed or favorited(?) my story! Hope you enjoy this chapter!**  
 **As always, please excuse any grammatical, spelling or syntax errors!**

 **Chapter two: Raphael to Earth**

"Tuday the gais wer plaing a new video gaim. Maiki was rili good, Doni lafed and Leo stoal 5 of Maikis turns. I caunted them.

 _The gais are traiin to cuk, wail I am siitting hier. It smells wierd._

 _Todai is the best dai of my laif. I went to the sewers and so a taini turtle faitin against the water. I gamped and saivd it and took it hoam. Sensei let me have him and I neimd him Spike. I like him."_

As Leonardo read these short paragraphs, he couldn't help smiling. All these moments that young Raphael cherished or not, written by his pure heart, were so innocent. However, as he studied these and some similar, more carefully, he realised that almost every single day was filled with something that "the gais" were doing, without Raphael himself being included. Leonardo frowned as he kept reading, more and more depressing days of his brother's life.

 _"Tuday Doni traid to fiks a mashin bat he did it wron. I wanted to tell him the misteik but i was afreid he was going to yell at mi_

 _Tuday Micky sed a joke end evrione lafed. I didnt hier it and askd him to ripit it bat evrione ignored mi._

 _Today, Donney tot Mikey and Leo how to plai chess. I just wanted to hung out wih them so I pretended I didnt alredi know. It was fan, plaing together with the gais"_

Well here at least something Leo remembered. Donnie had tought him and Mickey, even Raph how to play chess. Raph couldn't get it and lost all the matches. Leo chuckled at that memory. Suddenly, his face darkened. His eyes went through that last part:

 **…I just wanted to hung out wih them so I pretended I didnt alredi know. It was fan, plaing together with the gais…**

Leo felt awful. Was Raph playing with them such a rare occasion as the diary, also known as Raph, showed?

 _"I watched Leo plein with the ball. He is rilli goud. I wantid to plei too, but he would laf if I lost._

 _Today, Miky didnt want to drow with me but Leo ceim in, they dreu tugether._

 _Today, Master Splinter sed that Leo can rait and reed better and he was praud. I was sad bicause Leo didnt trai as mach as i did but still got the bravo from Sensei. All i got was a stupid negativ comment on my handraitin, and the stupid lafs of everione else."_

What the...? Leo thought. That last paragraph could have actually been written by "modern Raph." Without all that spelling mistakes, of course.  
Leo still remembered that day pretty well, as it was one of the proudest days of his childhood.

 ** _*Flashback*_**

 ** _Leonardo glanced at his brothers' sheets while writing. Donnie had only written numbers and Mikey was writing the word "oesom" which he thought, was actually meant to be the word "awsome". Raph was really focused on what he was writing, something that Leo couldn't see._**  
 ** _  
"Ok, so, time's up! Let's see if you have become any better." Master Splinter said._**  
 ** _  
"Michelangelo, I can see what you mean, but you chose a very difficult word. Donatello, you did well, but I expect you to use words next time, OK?"_**  
 ** _  
"Hai, Sensei!" Donne happily said._**  
 ** _  
"Raphael, your handwriting is barely legible. I cannot understand what you mean"_**  
 ** _  
"Like anyone ever understands what he means" Mikey playfully said causing all his brothers but one to laugh."H..Hai Sensei, I will try harder." an embarrased Raphael replied as he scribbled what he had written. Leo looked at his sheet soon enough to see he had written: ''My family is bigg and goud.''_**

 ** _"As for you, Leonardo, you have written almost perfectly your sentence and I can tell you that I am really proud of your writing and reading improvement. You, my sons should learn from each other, and use each other's example, on what each of you is the best at."_**

 ** _Leonardo streched his back out of satisfaction, that he had made his Sensei say those words._**  
 ** _  
*End of flashback*_**

Leo would never have imagined how all the tiny, negligible incidents had scarred young Raph.  
He kept reading, finding himself more and more disgusting through Raph's eyes.

 _"Today I told a joke i herd topside to Leo but he didnt lisen. Mikey herd it and told it to him and he lafghed._

 _Today, evrione shouted at me, Leo the laudest bicause I traid to help Doni for uance. I was rait, nouone wants me, so I will trai not to bother them. If traiin to help them is alwais botherin them, I wll trai to stop doing that too._

 _Last nihht, Leo came and askd me to help him practis a move. The mornin he did it in front of Sensei perfectly and got praised. I was reprimanded for being sleepy batt how cud i not be, havin stayd ap oll niht helpin Leo. I never herd a thaank you._

 _They think I dont know but I do. I rili want to hang aut with the gais, but they won't, whatever I do. No matter if I am biheiving like me or not, they always shout at me, and reject me. It dosnt matter trainin for Sensei, cause I will be shouted anyway. and Leo will always be the no.1 "_

Leo was shocked by how the world was through his brother's eyes. He had always thought that Raph was overdramatic regarding his situation, but now he could clearly see he was right: His brothers didn't understand him, they rejected him. Master Splinter was actually being unfair, not appreciating his second son's effort. Of course, noone actually did that on purpose, but how does that change the outcome? It was obvious that it was them who had caused Raph all his insecurities, it was their and not Raph's fault. Anyone but them, could see from miles that young Raph was depressed.  
The last two days he read before returning to his brothers summarised perfectely all the young turtle's feelings, and clearly presented Leo, what he had, so far, refused to realise.

 _ **"I'm sad and crying on my pillow every night, but no one notices.**_

 _ **I'm lonely."**_

 **So, that's the end of the second chapter! Hope it wasn't boring. I do have the story pretty much on mind, but I would love to hear your ideas! Untill next time!**


	3. Chapter Three

**Author's Note: So, just to let you know the Doc Manager has been extremely unwilling to cooperate. I even published these chapters** **,** **despite there were some details to be corrected, as I knew that this was as far as it would let me go.**

 **But anyway, enough of me, here is Chapter Three! My idea on this is to see how young Raph's temper and viewpoint gradually change. Thanks to all of you, hope you enjoy!**

 **And don't forget to excuse any grammar, syntax, spelling, or anyway, any mistakes!**

 **Chapter Three: Guilt**

Leo returned to his room angry, worried, but mostly dissapointed. He knew it, he freaking knew it wouldn't be that easy, however he had believed they could, no, that they **would** find him. For a moment he had been stupid enough to believe that everything was going to be ok. The false hopes he created made the failure seem even worse. Why did he let his and his team's hopes go up, knowing just how stubborn his brother is?

 _ ***Flashback***_  
 _ **"Guys, I tracked him!" an enthusiastic Donnie shouted.**_  
 _ **"Really? How?"  
"Raph's T-phone. I made them work as trackers as well. I got sick of Raph always storming off after every fight. Luckily he had it on him when he left!"  
**_ _ **"Ok, so where is he?"  
**_ _ **"Right…... there" Donnie showed his brothers at the map.  
**_ _ **"All righty, what are we waiting for? Let's go!" a now energetic Mikey said. And so they did.**_

* * *

 _ **Leo looked desperately for any sign of his brother at the dark corner full of trashcans. "Were are you Raphael?" he thought to himself. "WHERE ARE YOU?"**_  
 _ **"Guys, I don't get it, he must be here!"  
Donnie was confused, Mickey was silent and Leo was furious.**_

 _ **BANG!**_

 _ **"Hey Leo, what was that fo…" Mikey started, but then, he saw it.  
It fell out of the trashcan Leo had just kicked.  
He picked it up, and showed it to his brothers.  
They looked at it, silently.  
**_ **Raph's T-phone.** **  
** _ **  
Leo, Donnie and Mikey looked at each other, all thinking the same thing.  
**_

 _ **Raph knew, he knew that they would try to find him, he knew that Donnie would have installed a tracker on his T-phone, he knew that they would quickly rush anywhere in order to find him, he knew everything. Raph had always been so many steps ahead of them, but they never even noticed. He could read all of them like an open book. He had guessed all their reactions and actions so he made sure that he would truly be out of his brothers' reach.**_

 **Raph didn't want them to find him.**

 _ **This sudden realization completely paralised the brothers. Leo was all of the sudden unable to process what was happening around him. His own brother pushed him and his family away, his brother himself rejected his own ever coming back. But why didn't Raph simply destroy the tracker but just threw it? Then, it just came to Leo: Distraction. Distraction is always the best defense. Raph wanted to distract them, giving himself more time to get even farther away from them. And it was all Leo's fault. This was all too much for the blue banded turtle, as he started trembling.  
**_ _ **  
Donnie was the first one to speak:  
**_ _ **"God… why does this guy only have to show just how smart he is at situations like this?"**_ _ **  
**_

 _ **As Leo remembered some paragraphs of Raph's diary, he clenched at his fists.**_

 _ ***End of Flashback***_

Leonardo was not sure if he wanted to keep on reading his brother's thoughts. It wasn't because of all that privacy thing but because he was afraid of what he would learn next. It was terrifying to see himself, his brothers, even Master Splinter, causing Raphael to suffer.  
He had taken all the notebooks to his room and stared at them for a moment. Thinking that this could possibly the only way and chance to know the truth about his brother, he made his decision, grabbing a notebook and continiued reading.

 _"I dont wont this. I wont to be frends with the guis, but they won't let me. I dont wont them to laf at me. They will stop it, bicause it makes me sad_

 _I promis not to be sad animore. I sed it to Spike, i dont wont him to worry about me, he is the only one who understands._

 _I traid not to crai bat I couldnt. Leo is so mean!_

 _As always, sitting alone in the room. I dont like it. At list Spike will never live me alone like thei always do._

 _Today I wasnt sad when thay lafed at me. I was angry. So angry I had never felt in my life. I shouted at them and they stopped. I dont know what is worse: them lafing at me or looking at me as they did. I wont them to be hapi. But it was also kinda nais. I was not the sad end shauted one for uance. Then Sensei came and took me in the dojo. He lectured me for what seemd like ours. He dasnt understand."_

Leo agreed with every single word he read. He could now clearly see what had happened. Raph had subconsciously developed his temper as a defensive tool against being sad. He needed protection, he could not take this anymore, and anger seemed to offer it to him . His temper was like his psychological immune system, a natural protective coat he had put around himself in order to protect himself from ever being hurt again. However, this coat gradually became a strong, thick wall, that separeted him from the rest of his family, from his brothers.  
Another thing Leo also noticed was that Raphael ironically mispelled most words with a positive meaning because he had almost never used them before.

 _''Today Leo won at the dojo. I was hapi bicause I used some difikalt moves bat Sensei only praised Leo. Didnt my fight worth anything? Leo tarnd to me praudly, like he felt sorri and petti for me, like I was inferior. I felt so angry that I started panching the woll. Sensei sed: Control yor anger!_  
 _I'm going to trai harder, so that I get the praise for uans._

 _I went topside 'cause Mickey broke my pen. Stupid Mickey. I found a thing and geiv it to Donnie bicause hi could use it to fix somthing hi did wrong. Sensei found it and lectured me again. Thei dont understand._

 _Today I sparred with Leo and won. I was happi. But Sensei didnt praised me, he told me to control my anger. Again. It was so unfair that I left. I dont care anymor._

 _Today we took our real weapons. Leo has the swords, katanas. It is fany that they are cold twins. Donnie a long stick. It is not rili different than the fake one he used befor because a stick will always be a stick. Mickey has a wierd chain. My wepon is cold the Sai. It is so kool. Master uans told me it is meinly used for difense, but I dont care. It is much heavier than thwe wuden ones wIused._

 _The Sai is stupid. I am stupid. The guys are raight, and i was not."_

Leonardo thought a little bit after the last sentences. From what he knew, Raphael had always loved his Sai, and never even heard a single word against them. He tried to remember the night after they were given their weapons.

 _ ***Flashback***_  
 _ **"Slash! I will cut everything with my katanas!" Leonardo shouted, holding a piece of would.**_  
 _ **"Not if I have my nukcha…nunka… whatever!" Mikey replied, grabbing two long pieces of rope.**_  
 _ **"My bo staff will beat both of you!" Donnie threatened both his brothers with a stick.**_  
 _ **"Hey guys, haven't ya met my Sai?" a certain red banded turtle got in the game with two forks.**_  
 _ **"Yes we have. And we know it is STUPID! " Mikey answered**_  
 _ **"You can't even attack with them so they are completely useless. Even Sensei said it" Leo added.**_  
 _ **"Yeah!" Donnie agreed**_  
 _ **"Ya know what else's stupid and useless?" an on-the-verge-of-crying but irtitated Raph said."YOU!" he yelled as he broke the forks in two pieces with his mere strenght, and angrily threw them to the wall.**_  
 _ **Master Splinter chose that exact moment to come in.**_  
 _ **"Raphael... come with me. "**_  
 _ ***End of Flashback***_

It was late already, so Leo decided to go to sleep. Could he, however? His worry, fury but most importantly, guilt, tortured his mind. He could hear, Raphael's voice, echoing in his ears.

 _"Tuday the gais…"_

 _"The gais…"_

 _"I just wonted to hung aut wihh_  
 _them so..."_

 _"...evrione ignored me."_

 _"They think I dont know but I do."_

 _"…they always shout at me, and_  
 _reject me. "_

 _"I'm sad"_

 _"I'm lonely"_

 _"..nouone wants me…"_

 _"I dont wont this."_

 _"He dasnt understand"_

 _"I dont care anymore''_

 _"I'm glad you finaly express_  
 _yourself freely..."_

 _"I'm so sorry...for everything"_

This night was promising some nightmares, and wouldn't let Leo down on that.

 _ **"My family is bigg and goud..."**_

 **That's it so far! Thank's again, hope you enjoyed!** **Thoughts and ideas are more than welcome! Chapter four on its way! Untill next time!**


	4. Chapter Four

**Author's Note: So here's the fourth chapter! My idea on this is to check how the other members of the family have been doing. Hope you enjoy!**

 **Please excuse any mistakes.**

Chapter Four: A broken family

 **DONNIE'S POV**

It has been a few hours since we found Raph's T-phone and Leo's been acting weird. I mean… like really weird. I understand that he feels guilty for Raph leaving, but... still. He has locked himself in his room, where only God knows what he's been doing, and rarely comes out. He has some new bruises which concern me quite a lot. He doesn't eat, only picks on his food, and looks exhausted. I bet he wasn't able to sleep last night. But who was? However, he stubbornely refuses to let me check him, to make sure that nothing is wrong with, at least his corporal health. And like one missing and one weakening brother aren't more than enough, Mikey is not acting like himself. He is not the usual, annoying, stupid goofball I now miss so much. He is just... too serious, too not-Mickeyish. And Master Splinter's sitting in the dojo meditating all the time is not helping at all.

Raph... please come back, we need you. **I** need you. Everything sucks without you. Our family is tearing apart, you need to come back and fix it, because I can't. It has always been your role to be the strong one, the one we can lean on, not mine. Whatever the circumstances you are always the one that never breaks, thus keeping us together even when we do break, not I. Maybe it's because I'm not enough, not good enough to keep our family together, that I have to look at my brothers at this condition. No, stop, I need to stop, I need to be strong, for my brothers, now that they can't. But what if I simply can't? There's no such option, **I will.**

Master Splinter just got out of the dojo. I get in there, for no particular reason. I start exercising because I need to blow off some steam. After a while, I accidentally drop some carton boxes from a shelve. Photos and photo albums fall on the floor. I take one and open it. Childhood memories unexpectidely flooded my mind. I smile. There's a young me, Leo and Mikey cooking. There we are, playing a stupid game. There's a Mikey drawing. There's a Leo practising his katanas.  
Master Splinter must have taken those when we weren't able to notice, as I never remember him with a camera.  
I take one photo in which, I'm trying to fix something, some sort of a simple gadget. I look really focused, confused and kind of... cute, I guess. As I study the photo carefully, I notice Raph at the background. He looks hesistant, as if he is fighting against himself.  
I take another photo. There's Leo and Mikey fighting with paper swords. Raph is visibly at the background, torning his own, in pieces.  
Mickey, Leo and I are playing. Raph is nowhere to be found.  
 **Leo** 's watching Space Heros.  
 **Mikey** is asleep on the couch.  
 **I** succesfully created... something.

These and way more photos only lead me to one conclusion: Raph was either at the background, or missing. There were only few photos where Raph was at the foreground, and almost no, if any, where he was alone. What does that mean? Had we left Raph out of our activities? Had we left him behind and alone? Had we...

"Hey bro." my brother's voice reminded me of reality.  
"Oh, hey Leo! What's up?" I akwardly asked.  
"Nothing really. What about you?"  
"I'm actually working on a DNA tracker. All we are going to need is a sample of Raph's DNA and, poof! the machine will track him!" I simply answered.

Leo's face darkened.

"Leo... We are going to find him." I reassured him. We have literally looked everywhere but we are going to find are safe and sound. We are. We really are. We have to...

He nodded and smiled at disbelief.

"Leo... its not your fault. Raphael's just... the way he is, you know?"  
"He... he thinks that I hate him!" He said. He looked at me, his eyes begging for forgiveness. "I... I don't hate him Don, I never would. You know it, don't you?" he weakly asked.  
"Of course I do Leo, as we all do. And I'm sure that Raph knows it too. "  
"No." my brother coldly replied, causing me to shiver.  
"What do you mean "No" Leo?"  
"You don't know. " he answered, turned his back and went to his room.  
"What do you mean Leo? What don't I know? " I followed him. He slammed the door. I started banging it.  
"LEO! WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WHAT DO YOU KNOW?" No response.  
"THIS ISN'T OVER LEO! THIS ISN'T OVER!" I yelled at him, furious at his mischievousness.

 **MIKEY'S POV**

I can hear Donnie shouting at Leo, even from here. On the one hand, I like it, it's nice. It has been too quiet since Raph left. The silence might be the worst part. It only reminds me of my brother's absence. It annoys me, it angers me, I just hate it. So I like the shouting, the arguing, because I miss it. We all do. Maybe Donnie is subconsciously trying to fill one of the gaps Raph has left behind, and that is the tension. But noone will ever to be able to cover all the other "holes" my brother has left behind. Not I, not Donnie, and certainly not Leo. If...When we find Raph, he is never going to believe how much we missed his hot-headiness. I just hope that it will be soon, real soon.

 **LEO'S POV**

I spent the last few hours, finishing reading the first diaries. I was so shocked by everything that was written there. Donnie noticed. I still haven't given him a proper explanation for those bruises Raph's books have caused me. He is not going to stop annoying me, untill I tell him. He is now yelling and banging my door. I decide to ignore it, he'll soon give up. I lie on my bed, and deciding that I know enough of the cause of Raph's issues, I take the most recent notebook, and lose myself inside my brother's thoughts.

 **That was it! Hope you liked! As always, reviews are welcome!**


	5. Chapter Five

**Author's Note: Hey everyone, I'm so sorry for the delay of this chapter! My computer was out of order for a while, and I'm going through a lot right now, not to mention the situation in my country is pretty difficult.(excuses, excuses...)  
** **However, I would like to thank all of you for your wonderful reviews! You gave me a lot to think and reconsider. Let me clarify, i wanted to create this atmosphere of confusion and suspense, because I wanted the reader to only see what the other three brothers see, so as to be able to understand how they feel. Maybe it's not working the way I wanted it to, I am currently reconsidering adding Raph's POV in one of the future chapters, we'll see. What do you think?  
** **Also, thank you for pointing out that spelling mistake, i definitely didn't want you to think that Mickey Mouse was there! I will correct it as soon as possible!**

 **As always, please excuse any mistakes, and PM me so that I correct them!**

Chapter Five: Monster

 _"Leo ain't the boss of me. I don't know what he thinks he is, but he's definitely not my boss. Why should I follow his orders anyway? Who is he to tell me what to do? In what way is he better than me? I can decide what to do on my own, I ain't want to be pampered, to be treated like a child. I can take care of myself, I'm not his responsibility! If Leo doesn't freaking get it, he is a jerk and it's his own problem._

 _I was mad yesterday. That's why I wrote all that. I didn't mean it. I never do. But why the shell am I trying to convince a freaking book? Leo is trying to do the best for us, and I know it, I respect it and appreciate it. It's not Leo's fault that I am such a bastard, such a pain in the ass. I sometimes wonder why he puts up with me, but then I remember. He's the perfect one, the one to always do the right thing, under every circumstances._

 _I don't get it. What do they think, that I choose it? That I chose when to lose my temper and when not to? That I am like: Hmmmm... Mikey is really annoying, and in today's schedule I planned to lose my temper, so why not use this as an excuse? Why don't they get it? It's something that I cannot control, **it** controls **me**! Why don't they get that I **do** try, that I **do** try hard, but it's not easy. I am fighting this every day, every freaking moment! I am exhausted from this battle with myself. I am tired and sick of having this fight and losing every time. But it's hard. Because, when it is even slightly out of control, it's already game over._

 _I hate it. Why do they have to do it? I know they are better than me, so why do they have to remind me of it all the time? Why does Leo have to constantly remind me of my inferiority, my mistakes, his own perfection and my imperfection? Why does Donnie have to remind me that I am nothing special? Why does Mikey have to remind me that I will never be loved, the way they love him? Why does Sensei have to always remind me how I am a disgrace as a ninja, as a brother, as a son, as a person? Doesn't my life has enough pain, alone, without all these constant reminders? Don't they get that their words hurt me?_

 _I failed, again. I ruined the mission. I could see the anger, irritation, but mostly dissapointment on my brothers' eyes. At that moment, I was so furious that I felt that I would either kill them or kill myself. That guy was freaking trying to shoot Mikey from behind, what should I have done? What would Leo have done? But they know, and so do I, that it's just an excuse, to make me feel like it's not my fault, when it clearly is. I failed them, I failed my family, I failed my Master, I failed my Leader. I failed Leo. Once again._

 _They think it's easy being myself. They think I enjoy seeing myself hurt them. Anyone would think that after spending your whole life being a Failure, you get used to it. But it only gets worse, the pain only gets sharper and bitterer. And I know why: it's because I keep on trying. I keep on trying to become better, to please them, to finally make them accept me. And I just fail, every freaking time, I dissapoint them. I know I will always be an enemy for my own family, but I can't help hoping that one day, they **will** accept me. Damn it, hope, it's the worst thing in the world, only for the weak, because you always end up getting more dissapointed, your sorrow and helplessness grow bigger, over and over, but hope makes you keep on trying, only for the circle to keep on forever. I wish I could just stop hoping and caring and feeling and loving at last, so that I could finally live at peace._

Nothing of all Leonardo what read before had terrified him more. He could not believe that this was what they had turned Raphael into. Raph didn't want to hope anymore. He didn't want to care anymore. He didn't want to feel anymore. He didn't want to love them anymore because it hurt him. Tears threatened to escape Leo's eyes. No, he has to be strong, he has to keep on reading! However, Leo never expected what was coming next:

 _"I am a monster, that's what I am. A MONSTER. **A MONSTER**._  
 _Wait.  
The definition of monster is the one who hurts everyone, anyone who happens to be nearby. I only hurt Leo, Donnie, Mickey and Sensei, in short, only the ones I promised to protect at all costs. This makes me no monster, monster is not harsh enough. I have opened a new level of monstrosity, it shall be called **"Raphael"  
**_

 _I was thinking. Me and Love/Hate have a very complicated relationship. I hate love. I wish I could stop loving. Because it's the only reason why I keep on getting hurt. If I stopped loving my family, their actions and words, wouldn't hurt me. If I just stopped loving my family, I wouldn't care that they don't love me back! If you think of it, Love is the only reason why we get hurt. If a total stranger, of whose existance you weren't even aware of, thought that you are insane, would you care? Would it hurt you? No. But it would, if it was your best friend.  
In other words, **Love** , is a cleverly disguised synonym of **Pain.**_

 _Leo's right. Yesterday, I stormed off, after another fight with Leo, and suddenly realised that he is right. I am selfish. I only care about myself. I am always hurting the guys without getting it back. If I really cared about them, I would have left, long ago. But this would kill me. So I stay, only to spare myself the pain. It's not fair, the guys are suffering because of me, and I am the only one unharmed. They hate me, justifiably, and so do I. I hate what I've become. I couldn't think anymore. Without even realising what I was doing, I took my Sai and slowly, as painfully as possible, cut through my own flesh. My arm. The blood was dripping on the floor. Despite the pain, it felt so unbelievably goo..."_

Leo couldn't read anymore. He quickly rushed at the bathroom where he emptied his stomach. Donnie stared at him, really concerned. When his brother was done, he harshly said:  
"You're coming for testing. No objections. "  
Leo would have protested if he could, but he didn't have the strength to, so he simply nodded and followed his brother.  
"Leo, I know this is hard on you, but remember that me and Mikey are here if you need us." Donnie said as he took blood samples from his brother.  
"I know, Don, but thanks." Leo said, not even convincing himself.  
A few moments of silence passed.  
"It doesn't look like there's anything wrong with you, but you should definitely eat and sleep more. "  
"Fine." he mumbled  
"No, Leo, I'm serious. The last thing we need now is you getting sick. "  
"I said FINE."  
Donnie sighed.  
"I'll get you some sleeping pills to help you sleep."  
"No, I don't need them, I can take care of myself!"  
Donnie smiled bitterly as his brother's stubborness reminded him of a certain, also stubborn, red banded, hothead.  
"No objections" he repeated, as he gave his brother a pill and a glass of water.  
Leo took it and deep inside, he was glad to be able to sleep peacefully, without his brother's voice haunting his dreams.  
Donnie glanced at his now asleep brother, and smiled. He looked so peaceful. And for a moment, he was finally able to believe that everything was going to be ok.

But it was only for one moment.

 **Thanks a lot for reading, I hope you enjoyed! I don't want to make promises, but I will definitely try not to leave this unupdated for such a long period of time again. Anyway, reviews help me improve the story a lot, and encourage me to continue too!**


	6. Chapter Six

**Author's Note: Hey everyone! Sorry for being away for a month, but I was on vacation at** **a village with no computer and barely any internet access.  
Also I don't know if you are gonna like this chapter, it is a little different. I can't say it is my favourite either. It is supposed to be a peek into everyone's subconscious.  
But nevertheless, hope you enjoy!**

 **Please excuse any errors, and inform me of them!**

Chapter six: Nightmares

 _They don't know what this place is. They never thought such a place existed in New York. They had found it merely by chance. Mikey had tripped and clumsily fell, somehow uncovering a secret, underground laboratory._  
 _Michelangelo is totally creeped out. That place is even darker and than the sewers. There are obviously no windows, and he cannot find any switch to turn on the lights._  
 _And the smell. God, the smell. It smelled as though everything was rotten in there. The walls, the cracked and broken items on the ground, the ground itself, if that's even possible. They all tried to hide their disgust, as they thought that the smell may be coming from what lies beneath the ground._  
 _Although there seems to be no one there, they are all tense. They have kept their defensive stances and keep looking around, expecting anything to jump on them._  
 _" Guys, I have a very bad feeling about this." Donnie said._  
 _"Well, no matter what feeling we have, we have to stay here, Raph must be here!" Leo answered a little hysterically, secretely hoping he was wrong._  
 _They entered the only room that had already lights on. It was fairly empty, having only a table with a computer on it. Donnie quickly hacked it and broke the password. He wandered around the files hoping that he could find anything to give him a clue about his brother's location._  
 _"Oh my God... Guys? You might want to see this."_

 _As Leo and Mikey rushed to his side, he opened a file named "ITEM XDZ" and it introduced them to a new level of horror. It was filled with science reports accompanied by pictures. Donatello clicks on one, and Mikey almost passes out._

 _Raphael. It was Raphael. Beaten, bruised, cut, drugged. Pained. Hurt. Suffering._

 _It was just inhumane. And people called **them** inhuman._

 _Donnie read the science reports with disgust, while Mike's mind slowly started working again.._

 _He felt angrer take over his body. Fury to be exact. Not just because of all the horrible things those monsters had done to his brother. No. The source of his his rage was different._

 ** _"ITEM XDZ"_**

 _They treated his brother like an item. Like he wasnt a living being. Like he didn't walk or talk or think or feel. Like they owned him. And now Raph may still be there, and..._  
 _He may still be there! All the brothers suddenly reminded themselves. They run, examining every room in there, panicked.  
"Where is he, where is he?"_

 _And then, in one room Mikey found a strapped body. A body of a turtle._

 _But this can't be Raphael's. it is is too pale, too unmoving, too still._

 _Those eyes can't be his brother's. They are too afraid, too lifeless, too... dead._

That was Michelangelo's nightmare

* * *

 _Donnie wakes up in a dark hallway. It's so dark, he can't even tell how long it is. He doesn't really feel like finding out. So he stays there, on the ground, embracing the somehow comforting darkness. It makes him feel blank, empty of any emotion, any thought or memory. He isn't sure he even exists anymore, but he doesn't care. For the first time, he wishes he stopped existing, because sitting there in the dark, is so much easier than dealing with reality. Because reality hurts, while this not.  
_ _A bright glow at the back of the hallway suddenly appears, waking him from his trance. Feeling curiosity fill every cell of his body, he picks himself up and starts walking towards the source of the light.  
_ _He walks in the seemingly endless hallway and only stops when he is close enough to distinguish three figures. Three figures of three turtle toddlers, he knew too well.  
_ _A young Leonardo, a young Michelangelo and a young him. For some reason, it doesn't feel strange to him. Everything seems logical in this place.  
_ _So he just stays there, and watches the three brothers from a short distance, as they are playing and laughing carefreely, for who knows how long._

 _He then noticed another light right behind the scene that was occurring in front of him. It was really faint but he still was able to recognize the figure that was standing there alone, helplessly._  
 _Raphael. It was Raphael. He was just watching his brothers, pretty much as Donnie was doing. He was actually smiling. Happy to see his brothers happy, he didn't go towards them._  
 _Donnie's suddenly eyes go wide. Deep cuts were forming on Raph's arms in front of his very eyes. The cuts were bleeding bad, Raph's whole body tensed, but he kept smiling bitterly and painfully._  
 _Donnie panics. "Why are they doing nothing?" he wonders, watching the other three too busy with each other to notice the fourth's pain. He tries to run to his brother's help, but horrifyingly realizes he can't move!_  
 _Raphael's situation keeps on worsening. Tears have formed in his eyes, and he is struggling to keep them from falling._  
 _He finally gave into the pain. He fell on his knees and let out a small, desperate whimper of agony._  
 _Donnie can't believe what's happening in front of his very eyes._  
 _"Why aren't they doing anything, he is right there!"_  
 _His breath is getting faster and sharper._  
 _"Guys?" he shouts. "Guys! Do something! He is right there, right behind you! He's in pain! Just... just turn around...please... notice him... Do something... Anything!"_  
 _But no one reacted. They kept playing their game, and their ignorant happiness made their light brighter, while Raphael's was fading. With a last glance full desperation and betrayal, Raph was completely devoured by the darkness, and to Donnie, it felt as though his whole life had too._

That was Donatello's nightmare.

* * *

 _The lair was quiet. Oddly quiet. Creepily quiet. it was giving Leo the chills._

 _Mikey and Donnie are both asleep in their rooms. He can hear their slow, steady breathing. He is the only one awake. He just can't put himself to sleep. The much wanted rest won't come._

 _A weak sound breaks the silence. Leo holds his breath. There it is again. It sounds like... sobbing? Crying?  
Leo quickly gets up and walks out of his room. Since both Donnie and Mikey are asleep, it only leaves...  
He rushes to his immediate younger brother's room and barges in. And what he finds, paralyz_ _es him._

 _Raphael was in there bleeding horribly from all over his body. He held a bloody sai and Leo's katana in each hand. His whole body was tremblng and tears were endlessly leaving his eyes.  
He lifts the katana, and before Leo can even react, he slices his arm with a whimper.  
"NO!" Leo yells at shock.  
Raph looks up, surprised. He hadn't noticed his elder brother was there. Leo stares at his eyes. All he sees is pain, despair and fear. Fear? What is Raph afraid of?  
He tries to approach Raphael, but the other backs away.  
Then it stings him. It was him. Raph was afraid of him. This realization hurt Leo more than anything. He hated to see that look in his brother's eyes, and had promised to protect him from having to face such emotions, no matter what. And now he was the one causing it...  
He watched at terror as the other throws the katana on the floor, next to see his feet. "What...?" What did Raph expect him to do with the katana? No, it can't be, he would never hurt him, he would never purposely cause him pain. It's his brother!  
But Raph seems to believe otherwise. Too scared to do anything else, he weakly opens his mouth and whispers:  
"I'm so sorry... for everything."_

That was Leonardo's nightmare

* * *

Master Splinter had been unable to get himself to sleep ever since his son's disappearance. That night was no exception. Not asleep, but seemingly so, he heard his door open three times, and felt three bodies lie on the floor next to him. He gave his three sons a glance full of love and worry and wonders if their family is ever going to be whole again. Somehow comforted by their presence, he closes his eyes and allows himself to finally rest.

 **So that was Chapter six! Thank's so much for reading and all your support! Sorry again if this was bad, but anyway... The next one will be better, and that's a promise.  
Reviews are always welcome!**


	7. Chapter Sevem

**Hey everybody, Chapter Seven is finally up! Thanks a lot for staying with me so far, I know updates have been a little slow, but these aren't the easiest themes to write about, right?  
Tons of thanks to all of you who faved, followed or even better, reviewed this story! Your support really means a lot!  
So without further delays: here's the seventh chapter!**

 **If you point out any errors, I would appreciate it if you PMed me about them!**

Chapter Seven: Falling

 _"I stayed at my room all day. I can't get out. I can't face them anymore. Should I get out? Are they going to call me?_  
 _Do they even know I'm still here?_

 _Turns out I should have stayed in my room._  
 _How do I manage to get into a fight with everyone in mere seconds?_  
 _ **  
Why do I have to?**_

 _I just sneaked back in the lair. Luckily no one is awake. Why would they be anyway? I just have to clean up the blood stains before morning. Leo and Sensei wake up pretty early so I'd better not waste any time._

 _It's funny. Ironic rather. I never understood why people do this. It didn't make sense. How does hurting one's self make someone feel better? Why would you even consider doing it to feel better?  
Now I am one of them. It still makes no sense. I can't explain what it does to me, why it helps. Maybe the outer pain serves as a distraction from the inner. I don't know. I never will._

 _I made poor Mikey cry. He kept on annoying me and I lost it. I tried not to, but guess what: Raphie loses one more time! I have no idea what I said. All I remember is the look of pure fear in his tearing eyes. Leo and Donnie rushed into the room immediately. Mikey then burst into tears. Leo caught him, and gave me a glare full of disgust before spitting:  
"What is __wrong_ _with you?"  
Why did you even ask Leo? We both know that you know the correct answer. Do you have to make it even more difficult for me?  
_ _ **Everything.**_ _Everything is wrong with me. What kind of brother makes his little brother cry like that? You saw him too.  
I guess I do deserve the new scars on my arms, __**right Leo?**_

 _Sensei says my reflexes are getting sluggish. Makes sense. Haven't slept in a while. At any rate, it's just perfect. The one thing I thought I could at least do right was fighting. Apparently I'm wrong._

 _Don's been staying in his room for too long. He says he has some very important experiments he is working on. Anyway, I am kinda worried about him. When does he even eat? Sensei says to let him be for now and only interfere if it gets out of hand. I don't know what he defines as "out of hand" but this is pretty concerning to me._

 _I should have known that Donnie wouldn't be happy to see my face of all people, but at least he is out now. And I am topside, alone again, I can relieve myself from the pain. Two birds in one stone, I guess._

 _I storm off almost every day now. Thank God, cause I don't know how or if I would be able to cope with all this. I have to be alone when I do it, I can't let anyone know. So I always make sure no one has followed me topside. Kind of unnessecary though, cause no one ever dares. An angry Raph is a scary Raph, that's what I and my brothers have realised throughout the years._

 _It's so easy. All I have to do is to be in the same room with Leo without Sensei, and he creates an escape for me. Whenever I feel that I have to do it, having Leo really comes in handy. Guess I can always rely to him to makes us fight, creating me the perfect opportunity to just leave and be alone.  
More than half of our fights, if not all, are wanted, **needed** now.  
Having the reputation of being ... you know, me, is definitely backing me up a lot. Mood swings and outbursts are something I am known for. I just never thought I would be glad my brothers only think of me as a hot-head.  
The scars can be easily explained too. I guess I gave the Foot and the Purple Dragons more credit than they deserve. Leo's been lecturing me for letting them hit me so much me but I don't care. As long as no one knows the truth, I can take anything else._

 ** _God dammit Leo!_** _Why do you have to do it? I hate it! I hate it when you do that! Why do you have to pretend like you care, like you want to understand, making me feel like I should talk to you! Then with just one word, just one action, you blow everything up! Are you just playing with me? Are you just playing with my emotions, with my sanity? Are you enjoying it?  
It's alright though. I know how to fix myself. __**I feel better now.**_

 _It's getting out of hand. Going out at nights isn't enough anymore. It hurts so much that I need more. I have to do it more._

 _I found the solution. I just lock myself in my room and get the job done. It's not like anyone notices or anything. I just have to make sure there is no blood on me when I get out and that's it. This page indeed is a little messy, but who cares, really? No one's ever gonna read this anyway._

 _Is this how it was meant to be? Is this how I am going to live the rest of my life?_

 _Why am I doing this? Why does it have to be this way? Why do I have to dishonor everything my father has taught me with my actions? I thought I had reached the lowest I could._

 ** _I was wrong._**

 _I remember when we were young. The day my father gave us our weapons. He had said that we had made him proud and that he hoped we always continue to. He also hoped that we would use our weapons wisely, with honor. He made us promise that we would._

 ** _I broke that promise._**

 _What I am using them for is against all honor, against everything my father has tried to teach me. I know that and yet, I can't stop. Not even for my own father's sake._

 _I can't look at him at the eyes anymore. Every time I try to, I see it._

 _The anger._

 _The disappointment._

 _The shame._

 _The betrayal._

 _All because I couldn't keep that one, simple promise._

 _I'm sorry father. I am sorry for not living up to your expectations. For failing you. For being so weak._ _For not being like my brothers. For being myself. For being Raphael._

 ** _Can't you see that I am paying for that every single day?_**

* * *

 **So Chapter Seven: Done! Hope you enjoyed reading! I really love this story and will never abandon it, so don't worry!  
Reviews make my day, so don't hesitate to say whatever thoughts you have on this! **


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